


faces i don't know

by noonlighted



Series: dream smp fics [5]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Dream Smp, Gen, Jokes About Suicide, Mentions of Suicide, dream and sapnap angst, dream and sapnap grew up together, l'manberg, post depression/death arc, the dream confrontation tommy deserves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:54:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28702506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noonlighted/pseuds/noonlighted
Summary: After Tommy jumps into the water instead of ending his life, he runs. He runs to the only person he thinks might care, not because he likes him particularly, or because they have much in common. Sapnap's cool, and they get along fine. But maybe, it's because he might be the one person who understands about Dream.I mean surely he cares about me, right? Right, Tommy?(Tommy hasn't forgotten about that, by the way. It had seemed funny at the time, in Sapnap's desperate, clingy kind of way, the kind of thing he'd laugh about with Tubbo. Not anymore.)
Relationships: Sapnap & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF)
Series: dream smp fics [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2055483
Comments: 38
Kudos: 471





	faces i don't know

**Author's Note:**

> au: after almost ending his life, tommy runs to sapnap instead of techno
> 
> the title is from gerard way's song "brother", which i definitely recommend you listen to. this is just something i rushed through in a couple of hours because sapnap recognition!!! he deserves so much more!!!! anyway yeah have this <3 
> 
> tw// references to suicide and way too much swearing because i felt like it.

It had been a joke to Tommy. Bringing up the exile thing. And Sapnap knew that it was how the kid coped. It was fucked up, sure, but it wasn’t meant to be any more than that, wasn’t meant to be a cry for help or anything like that. But Sapnap—fuck, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. 

_“Fuck, Sapnap, I swear if we have to eat bread and potatoes again tomorrow I’m gonna start wishing I’d actually gone through with offing myself.”_

And he’d moved on, just like that, as if it was nothing. A one-off comment, an offhand joke. Something to laugh at, roll his eyes maybe, and then go on with his life, as though he hadn’t just implied that he’d been on the verge of killing himself.

“Tommy?” 

“Yeah?” He looks up from readjusting his bootstraps.

“Can we talk, man?”

“Um…” Tommy looks at him, cautious. Sapnap never wanted to _talk_. He was never serious, not like all the other adults that told him off constantly, as if he was still in primary school and he’d left all the crayons on the radiator. That was what Tommy liked about him. “Um, yeah, what do you want to talk about?”

It comes out in a rush. Because he’s angry. He’s angry, and he’s terrified, terrified of Tommy confirming his fears, and terrified him denying them. 

“What happened with you and Dream when you were in exile?”

“Oh...um…” the boy scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “I haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

But Sapnap is unrelenting.

“Tommy.”

“Fine. Fine.” He sighs, staring at the ground. “It’s not even that big of a thing...I—”

“Tommy,” Sapnap says. “Just tell me.”  


“I’m fucking telling you, alright,” he snaps, and Sapnap can’t tell if he’s angry at him or himself. “What do you want to know? How he would blow up my armour every day like I had any chance ofdefeating him, or something.” He scoffs. “I mean, apparently he told everyone not to come to my beach party, which was—” he makes a sarcastic face—“not the best.” he laughs, eyes dead. “I don’t know, maybe he thought it was a joke…” he kicks his shoes on the ground. “Yeah, anyway, that wasn’t the best. And he kind of blew up Logstedshire—”

“What?”

“Yeah... “ he fiddles with the cuffs of his sleeves, pulling them down desperately, remembering the crackling of the dynamite, the huge mounds of dirt, his home in tatters for the second time. “I...I  
wasn’t in the best shape after that.” He snorts.

“What d’ya mean?” 

“No, no, don’t worry. It’s fine.” Tommy laughs again, but there’s a darker edge to it. It reminds Sapnap weirdly of the times when Dream and he would be laughing over some stupid inside joke, and someone would ask them to explain, and they’d have to wave them away through splutters and sideways glances.  
But part of Sapnap thinks he shouldn’t push. Part of him knows it’s not a funny little joke Tommy’s talking about. Part of him knows exactly what Tommy’s talking about and he wants nothing to do with it, because then it would be real, then it would be in his head and he’d be up at night thinking about _this kid, this poor kid_. (He knows Tommy doesn't want pity. But it’s hard not to pity him with how Sapnap had found him that day on his doorstep—grey skin, ragged clothes, lifeless eyes.)

He should just let the kid be, because God knows how much he’s been through. But at the same time, something won’t let him. 

“Tommy,” he says, voice stern. Fuck, he hates being “the adult”. But he needs to know. He needs to hear him say it. “What happened.”

Tommy takes a deep breath and stares at the ground. There’s a red flush growing on the back of his neck. “Um…”

“Look, dude, if I’m overstepping, you can tell me to fuck off or whatever, I just… this is serious shit, alright? And, like, you made that joke, and it got me a bit worried, y’know?”

Tommy looks at him, a corner of his mouth raised teasingly. “You were _worried_ about me?”

And Sapnap laughs, whacks him feebly on his shoulder, and Tommy screws up his face in agony—”I can’t believe you’ve done this.” Sapnap laughs again, and it’s so stupid it hurts, because it reminds him exactly of Dream after he’d said something crude or weirdly sexual, the way that he would wheeze and slap his chest, and George’s exasperated “ _What is wrong with you guys_.” 

He doesn’t want to think about them now, not with Tommy, not when he’s laughing for probably the first time in months— _God, that’s depressing to think about._  
Dream. Fuck, Dream, this is what this is all about. Finding Tommy on his doorstep, half-starved and blue with cold, babbling about fire and begging him desperately _don’t tell Dream I’m here._  
And Sapnap’s barely processed what Tommy’s already said, all that shit—it can’t be Dream, surely? Not _his_ Dream.

Dream would laugh if he heard him say that. 

“ _Your_ Dream, Sapnap? Am I _yours_?” And Sapnap would roll his eyes and Dream would laugh his stupid tea-kettle laugh, and they would go with the bit until George called them disgusting.

The Dream he’d grown up with, his first friend. The Dream he’d fought against in empty parking lots, during those late nights, Dream teaching him new techniques and Sapnap challenging him to endless arm-wrestling contests. They’d shared everything then, snacks, allowances, possessions, secrets. When they’d gone into first grade, they’d told everyone they were brothers, and they had believed them, even the teachers.

“Tommy, please.” His voice cracks, but Tommy doesn’t even mock him for it. He understands. _Better him than Techno, who might not care, or Tubbo, who would probably cry. Hell, better than Wilbur_ , he thinks. _Better Sapnap, than them._

He sighs. “Look, uh—I tried to…” He can’t say it. He can’t. “I tried to...end it.”

“End what?” He knows what Tommy’s talking about. He knows exactly what he means. He just wants to make 100% sure. 

“My life.” It comes out bleaker than he intended, more formal. 

Sapnap takes a sharp breath. “When was this?”

And Tommy is so glad he didn’t ask why, try to sit down and give him a therapy session or something like he knows someone else might’ve, because he has a list fourteen miles long, and he knows  
none of the reasons hold up to scrutiny. “Um...it was just after Dream blew up Logstedshire, I think. So a few days ago, now.”

Sapnap nods. He doesn’t ask _why didn’t you do it_ and he doesn’t try to hug Tommy because he knows he doesn’t want any of that shit. He just stands silently and nods.

“Right,” he says. _Son of a bitch_ , he thinks.

Tommy makes to turn away, to do something to alleviate the stagnant silence as Sapnap thinks about what he’s going to do to that _motherfucker_ next time he sees him.

“Hey.”

Tommy turns back to Sapnap, unsure if what he’s just said has changed something. 

“Thanks for telling me, man.”

“Oh. Um. You’re welcome?”

“I’m sorry you felt like that.” He’s not the best with words, he never has been. But Tommy understands. And it means more than the hollow gifts and the carefully constructed speeches ever had. _I didn’t know anyone really cared, to be honest._

*

When Dream arrives on the front lawn the next morning in full armour, there’s a sickening panic in Tommy’s stomach. _Did Sapnap snitch? Did he rat him out to Dream? He wouldn’t, would he? Not after last night. Had he really turned him over to Dream, after everything he'd told him?_

 _God_ , Tommy thinks. _Have a little respect for yourself, Sapnap._

Part of him wants to hide, to hop through the conservatory window at the back of the house and leg it barefoot through the frosted fields. Part of him, the part that he hates, (—though, no less than he hates the other side, there’s nothing worse than a coward in Tommy’s eyes) wants to run to him. To hug him. To crack some stupid joke— _Sapnap, did you know this guy's a complete nightmare_ —and ask him where he’d been, how he was. 

He lets himself compromise, sitting next to the open window that looks over the lawn, but staying a couple of metres back to keep himself hidden.

Dream moves towards Sapnap—a greeting, maybe? but Sapnap holds his ground. Dream laughs, but there’s something mocking in it. 

“You know, I thought Techno was hiding him, I really did. I went to his house and interrogated him and everything, all threatening, but he just wasn’t there.” 

Sapnap doesn’t smile.

“So it _is_ you. “I mean,” Dream continues, “I didn’t even know you guys were friends! I thought you hated Tommy. Or did you just want some screen time, huh?”

Sapnap raises his eyebrows, revulsion flickering across his face. “This isn’t one of your fucking stories, Clay. This is serious.”

Dream lets out another one of his wheezing laughs. Tommy shifts closer to the window. “God, he’s bringing out the first name. Sapnap, listen to yourself. You sound like my mom.” 

But Sapnap stays stone-faced, lips a thin light, jaw clenched tight. He’s angry.

“Oh, you gonna fight me? You gonna _duel_ me, Sappy Nappy? We both know how that will end.”

This is a sore point, Tommy can tell. Sapnap tenses his shoulders. “I beat you every time we fought.”

Dream laughs. “Yeah, in middle school.” He swings a netherite swords back and forth, the air flashing blue and purple. _But he’s not threatening him_ , Tommy doesn’t think. _He’s showing off._

Just ‘cos you got some fancy armour and lessons from Techno doesn’t mean I couldn’t KO you if I wanted.” 

_Dream studies him for a second, then snorts, rolling his eyes. “Sure.”_

Sapnap glances at the window where Tommy watches, not long enough to raise suspicion, but enough to say _I see you. Stay the fuck down._

“Now, Sapnap,” Dreams says, “Enough small talk, as nice as it is to see you. You know why I’m here.” 

And blood is pounding in his head, heartbeat thumping so loud he can hear it. _Did Sapnap really rat on him? It doesn’t make any sense, leaving him alone, unguarded, where he could easily escape. And the anger—that didn’t make sense, especially if he really had told Dream about him. Nothing made any sense._

“You’re fucking sick, you know that.” 

He can see Dream go to make a joke, but Sapnap reaches into his belt and withdraws a sword. “No, fuck you. It’s not fucking funny. He was going to kill himself.” 

Dream rolls his eyes. Tommy feels hatred surge up in his gut. _This man, his friend, his enemy, his protector, his guard, whatever. He doesn’t give a shit about you, Tommy._ He grabs a permanent marker from the kitchen cabinet and scrawls it across his arm. _Dream does not care about you_. Because it’s not something he wants to forget. 

“He wasn’t, Sapnap. You know Tommy, he was just doing that shit for attention, like always—” 

Sapnap hits him. Straight across the face, no holding back. 

And for the first time, Dream’s mask of composure slips lightly. He looks shocked and there’s hurt in eyes. The mark stands out red against his tanned skin. 

His eyes narrow. “What the fuck is wrong—” 

But Sapnap cuts him off. “No Dream. What the fuck is wrong with _you_.” He prods Dreams chest hatefully, words spitting out as if they disgust him. “Maybe I was one of your goons, maybe what we did in that first war was justified, maybe I was just a bad as you, I don’t even fucking know anymore. But don’t expect me to take your side on this one.” He pauses to swallow, take a few deep breaths, face splitting with hate. “This,” he says, breathless, “This is too fucking far, dude. He’s a kid—” Sapnap gestures to the house, and Tommy’s heart stops, but Dreams barely glances away from Sapnap—”he’s just a fuckin’ kid. I swear, there’s something wrong with you, like seriously, I don’t know if someone’s messed with your head or something, but that was literally fucking evil." 

Dream just stands there in stunned, angry silence, the red fading from the slap mark on his right cheek. Something flickers in his face— _not quite flickers_ , Tommy thinks, _more like it’s being lifted out of his body_ —his eyes lighten, his shoulders slouch, and suddenly, for a moment, he looks stripped bare. Tommy swears he sees faint black smoke behind Dream’s body for a second. And then it’s gone, almost as if it’s being sucked back into his body, and Dream’s face hardens with hate. He rubs his eyes. 

“Leave now.” Sapnap spits. “Leave right now and never come back, or I swear to God I’ll kill you.” 

Dream turns and stalks away. No taunting goodbye, no _until next times_ , no threat hanging over his head, keeping him up at night. He just leaves, dragging a thin dirt streak through the grass with his sword, and then it’s over. 

There’s just Sapnap, standing, staring at the dark jagged line where the sky meets the trees. A small, green figure disappears into the dark of the forest. Sapnap stares, several minutes after, half-hoping that the figure will return, eyes squinting and sad. And then he turns away for the last time, wiping his face fiercely, grimacing. 

He turns back towards the window. Tommy gapes at him. “Sapnap...what—what the fuck?” 

But he just shakes his head, turning away again. 

_He did that for me_ , Tommy thinks. That was one of his only friends, his oldest friend, according to what Dream had told him. _And he threw it away for me._

There’s a strange well of emotion that gathers in his throat at that, an urge to run and hug him, tackle him with _thank yous_ , the kind of shit he never does. But he stops joking about Dream, which Sapnap appreciates. And he keeps his room relatively tidy—well, tidier than he ever kept his old room back at Phil’s. _He’s not bad company either_ , Sapnap thinks. _Hell, he had some good stories, even if he could get on his nerves from time to time._

But something’s empty, in a spot that can’t be filled by jokes of friends. And Sapnap knows he’s going to have to get used to it as he looks at Tommy lighting a fire in the backyard. _Is it worth it? Of course it is, Sapnap, of course it is, shut up._

It just hurts, as Tommy grins at him through the wind and the smeared glass. He smiles back, because of course he does. He’s not a replacement, Sapnap reminds himself. _He’s not a replacement Dream. He's just Tommy. Dream’s never coming back, you don’t want him to come back._ Almost as if he repeats it enough times, it’ll be true. 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope there aren't too many mistakes or my computer hasn't autocorrected sapnap to subpoena like it always does. i'm impulse posting this instead of doing school work that was due two weeks ago because apparently uk lockdown is being extended til march :/  
> as always, if you liked it and want to leave a comment it would be very much appreciated! love you guys lots :)  
> pear xx
> 
> p.s if you wanna chat about dsmp, or anything really, my tumblr is @noonlighted and my wattpad is @endinflames


End file.
